What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Small penises have feelings too.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
