if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
