yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
