My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
