I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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