Small penises have feelings too.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
