I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
