Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
no more duck duck goose at the bar
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
