3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
