8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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