You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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