peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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