She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
