Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
