My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
