its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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