she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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