if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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