Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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