I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
