My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
