when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
