I have demons in me.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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