Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
