i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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