you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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