Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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