i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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