Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Randomize
