Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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