just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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