My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
