I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
