when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
