i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
