If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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