Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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