Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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