I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
