why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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