census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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