R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
