Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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