My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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