areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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