so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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