.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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