she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
