come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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