I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
