Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
