Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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