Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Randomize
