apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
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If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
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If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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