the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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